It's chlamydia! Thank God!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
