Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
