in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
