bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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