I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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