I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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