the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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