did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
