I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
