i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
