I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
