At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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