its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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