yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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