You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
