my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
