I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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