Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
