Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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