you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
