Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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