i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
