Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I won the penis lottery.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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