Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
