There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
