? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
