i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize