She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
