you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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