I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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