i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
