bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
