This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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