He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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