I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
