he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
