I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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