My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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