you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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