I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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