I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
