1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
