So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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