well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
