My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
