my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
