I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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