Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
