So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
