So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
