i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
