ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
