So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
