Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
