He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
