my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
