I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
