He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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